In the last 3 days, I’ve been evicted from my house, broken up with my (?) boyfriend (?) and caught some sort of cold. As of right now, I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to go there with…

Sometimes these things just write themselves.

None of this is helping me. I could lose my job, not to mention my sanity, in the process of trying to figure this all out. I have lost my (seemingly) best friend; someone I thought would never hurt me. Well, I thought wrong. The Sour Kraut, as he is known, has always been an asshole. And not just the typical run-of-the-mill asshole either. I knew this when I met him, and I surely know it now. More than anything, he is cold. The kind of cold where you catch a chill from laying beside him in bed. The kind of cold that when he calls you a motherfucking stupid bitch for the millionth time, you just shake you head and wonder what the fuck you did to end up like this.

I put everything I had into this, and got nothing out of it. Nothing but pain and sadness. And those aren’t even things. Were things always this bad? Yeah, I think so, but I spent alot of that time so high as a kite I couldn’t care less what he was doing to me…or not doing….

But, one can only take so much before theres nothing left to take. Although I look fine (?) on the outside, inside is a much different story. I am starting to see things in myself that I really don’t like; traits and behaviours that weren’t there before.

I am afraid. I am sick with worry and pain. And I feel hopeless. This is not how someone is supposed to make you feel; so bad about yourself that you’re not sure you have a self left. I don’t know what to do; I am speechless, hopeless.

Oh did I mention it’s my birthday tomorrow? Happy fucking birthday alright.

and so it begins; what was hoped and planned to be a seemingly uneventful day now has me in the grips of two things i dance with on a neverending basis: endometriosis and opiates. contrary to what some might think, the pain radiates to more places than just your sex organs; it weakens my legs to the point where i can hardly hold myself up. it finds its way up my back to my kidneys and stabs and stabs and stabs. so forget about a few little cramps in your abdomen; this is full on oh-my-fucking-god-i-think-my-insides-have-aquired-a-nuclear-weapon-and-are-attempting-to-use-it-to-escape kind of pain.

and once you take that pill, thats it. everything changes. after two years of medi-hell, you learn a few things about how to navigate this place whilst in a drug induced haze, but the mentality of opiates is a much different story compared to the physical side effects of it…

the dosage varies but the side effects remain the same as always and i worry like a bastard when it comes time to eat some and i haven’t used them in a few days….its like your body goes back to being an opiate virgin even though your mind is saying “here we go again”. the ensuing nausea ALMOST comes as a suprise; like you didnt actually believe that this time you’d get sick, but sure as shit, you fucking do.

it’s only been about a half hour and already you feel like the new guy again, running to the bathroom to puke up whatever you’ve got down (if you’re smart, you just drank a shitload of something to wash down the drug and/or to prepare for said ensuing nausea that you knew damn well would visit) and allofasudden a hot flash decides to join in…now you are madly violently puking AND trying to get all your clothes off at the same time.

if i had a nickel for every time i was naked, high, puking and clutching my stomach in the bathroom, well fuck, that’d be alot of nickels dammit.

so there you are, the oxy rook, gasping for air between heaves when you finally notice that you are no longer nauseaous or hot; all that is left is this ooky feeling. i say ooky because its really the only word i can use to describe it…its not that you feel “better” after puking; but for me, its almost like a peyote-high process; you gotta puke to activate it, if you will.

you stand up, because unlike before, your legs WANT to work and realize you now aren’t in the midst of a terrible side effect, but just naked and high in your bathroom. ugh. no, the last ten minutes of hell DID happen and DID suck, but your mind has already forgotten about that and is on to other things, your body soon to follow…

you almost forget about The Ovarian War going on in there. you almost forget that 20 minutes before, you thought you were about to be taken hostage by your internal organs and held for a price not less than complete agony and suffering. almost. but that has since sort of fixed itself, with the help of the poppy, and you are now in a different mindset; one that is virtually unattainable with other substances.

now, things dont seem too terrible; everything has been turned down a notch. if you’re like me, a seasoned veteran of oxy, you can function pretty damn easilly without anyone questioning your lucidity. however, for rooks, it can be a challenge. you cannot simply just stay home and be strung the fuck out; no no, you have work to do and life to live and blah blah, so you must get on with it, high as a kite or not. for reasons i dont wanna divulge, thats all im going to say about that aspect of drug therapy….

now comes the “fun”. you have obviously noticed by now that opiates inhibit your brain’s ability to process the feeling of pain. in laymans terms, shit dont hurt no more. i quickly discovered that it masked more than my abdomen pain and was determined to push those limits. not necessarily a good idea, but hey, YOU’RE the one trying to reason with someone who’s got a head full of poppy cum.

i don’t recommend poking yourself with a fork or any other utensil; falling down a flight of stairs isn’t really recommended either. but getting a tattoo while oxy courses through your veins, on the other hand, may work marvellously. i am a fan of mixed martial arts practise while high but my conscience tells me i also cannot recommend this. just because you FEEL like you could run the boston marathon or lift a 440 smallblock into your truck all by yourself doesn’t mean you should. your mind is playing tricks on you; it not only makes you feel delusions of grandeur, but your motor skills are most likely WAY OFF. you probably cant walk a straight line if your entire existence depended on it. remember that always, and you’ll be alright.

 your body has reached a state of numbness; any disregard for this side effect almost certainly will result in a numbness of mind as well.

try not to let the numbing take over your head. funny that no one tells you about the multitude of mental side effects you could encounter while being treated long term…it differs from person to person but i wish the docs had atleast warned me that i could fall prey to it. well good thing i’m my own doctor half the time and figured it out myself, albeit the hard way. not that funny when you think about it.

the mental effects, for me atleast, have to be the most rewarding of any (can you call a side effect “rewarding”???)…as a writer, i revel in anything that alters my state of mind in any way, and try to get whatever insights i can from it, all the while being high. it is not only difficult to do, but you are completely unsure what is going to come of it, creatively, if anything at all.

i get a kick outta my ability to feel nothing while i’m high. the absence of compassion, irritability, everything. it is something to be marvelled at. after all, we are SUCH complex beings, with the ongoing battle of emotions vs. logic and so on, that to exist and function in a world where you feel unaffected by everything and anything, even for a short while, is no small feat. to think that this thing, this plant, could do so much, whether positive or negative, is mind boggling at the very least. some could argue that lack of feeling is a detriment; these must be the same peoples who suggested i start the day off positively.

this story never ends, and so it will continue.