One Foot In Front of The Other…

Sometimes, things just get plain fucked up.

In the last 3 days, I’ve been evicted from my house, broken up with my (?) boyfriend (?) and caught some sort of cold. As of right now, I’ve got nowhere to go and no one to go there with…

Sometimes these things just write themselves.

None of this is helping me. I could lose my job, not to mention my sanity, in the process of trying to figure this all out. I have lost my (seemingly) best friend; someone I thought would never hurt me. Well, I thought wrong. The Sour Kraut, as he is known, has always been an asshole. And not just the typical run-of-the-mill asshole either. I knew this when I met him, and I surely know it now. More than anything, he is cold. The kind of cold where you catch a chill from laying beside him in bed. The kind of cold that when he calls you a motherfucking stupid bitch for the millionth time, you just shake you head and wonder what the fuck you did to end up like this.

I put everything I had into this, and got nothing out of it. Nothing but pain and sadness. And those aren’t even things. Were things always this bad? Yeah, I think so, but I spent alot of that time so high as a kite I couldn’t care less what he was doing to me…or not doing….

But, one can only take so much before theres nothing left to take. Although I look fine (?) on the outside, inside is a much different story. I am starting to see things in myself that I really don’t like; traits and behaviours that weren’t there before.

I am afraid. I am sick with worry and pain. And I feel hopeless. This is not how someone is supposed to make you feel; so bad about yourself that you’re not sure you have a self left. I don’t know what to do; I am speechless, hopeless.

Oh did I mention it’s my birthday tomorrow? Happy fucking birthday alright.